Does anyone else feel like people treat being single like some type of disease? When I tell people I’m single they respond with “Oh you’re single? Why?!” “Why aren’t you married yet?” “We have to find a man for you.” Or “I’ll pray for you.” Yes, I’ve actually had someone tell me they would pray for me to find a good man. It’s funny, but at the same time it’s also insulting. My response to people when they make inquiries about my relationship status is that I’m working on myself and for whatever reason that excuse is not good enough for them.
The one thing I would like to do more is travel. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to take a road trip or jump on a plane and get lost in some distant destination. Instead, I allow my introversion and excuses to leverage my reasoning for hibernating in my 2 bedroom apartment with my kids. Yep, I take the lonely drive to destination anxiety. I can’t tell you how many plans I’ve cancelled at the last minute and I’m honestly surprised that those people are still my friend. Can anyone else relate or is it just me???
Yesterday was Dr. Toni Morrison’s birthday. Professor Daniel Black introduced me to the author in my English course during my brief stint at Clark Atlanta University in 2004. Until then the only black author’s books I read belonged to Maya Angelou (whom I was utterly obsessed with in my teens). Dr. Black assigned the class to read Morrison’s novel, The Bluest Eye. I remember how excited I was to be introduced to another black author…another black WOMAN mind you!
Since I didn’t know the city well, I asked a couple of my girlfriends where I could find a local bookstore. After hearing which book I was purchasing, one of the girls responded “I read The Bluest Eye in middle school. That’s not a college-level book.” She almost shut down my excitement with her arrogance, but I learned to look past people like that. She had no idea that I came from a predominately white high school and was only introduced to authors such as William Golding, Harper Lee, and James Patterson. I just so happen to come across Maya Angelou’s work when I was rummaging for random books at my hometown library.
It was after the last argument between my daughter’s father and I on July 16 of last year when I finally told myself “ENOUGH!” I freed him of all responsibility relating to his daughter including the daycare tuition he faithfully sent to me for over a year. I refused to tolerate him all together for the sake of keeping a father in my daughter’s life. She deserved better and so did I.
All of my girlfriends were against my decision. They wanted me to put him on child support, but I knew that meant seeing him in court and dealing with his manipulation of my psyche. The man made me feel like shit to simply put it. From the day I found out I was pregnant, we argued back and forth about everything. In the beginning it was always about my refusal of his offer for an abortion and after her birth we argued because he wouldn’t introduce his mother to his daughter. I would apologize when I clearly didn’t do anything wrong except get upset with how he neglected our daughter. I contemplated suicide on several occasions and unsuccessfully attempted suicide while pregnant and after my pregnancy. All for a man who is narcissistic, selfish, and cold.
No, never will I ever again allow ANYONE to make me feel like I wasn’t enough.