Single And Not Ready To Mingle

Does anyone else feel like people treat being single like some type of disease?  When I tell people I’m single they respond with “Oh you’re single? Why?!”  “Why aren’t you married yet?”  “We have to find a man for you.”  Or “I’ll pray for you.”  Yes, I’ve actually had someone tell me they would pray for me to find a good man.  It’s funny, but at the same time it’s also insulting.  My response to people when they make inquiries about my relationship status is that I’m working on myself and for whatever reason that excuse is not good enough for them.

Dating is not a high priority for me right now.  I’ve been technically single for 9 years now and I haven’t truly enjoyed being alone this entire time.  I was always actively looking for a man to occupy my time.  Everything I did turned into an impromptu speed dating event.  It totally took the fun out of a girl’s night out or made something as simple as grocery shopping a pain.  After spending hours prepping for the night, imagine how I would feel leaving a night club without one decent prospect.  You think that’s sad?  Try focusing on grocery shopping after catching an attractive man’s eye and debating if you should approach him or should he approach you, but eventually missing the opportunity, never seeing him again, AND forget to pick up the noodles for your vegan mac and cheese!  Like…really Jasmine?  That’s a bit dramatic, but the reality of it is there’s a lot of pressure on me when I actively look for a man.

There’s even more pressure when my friends start dating and actually get into serious relationships.  I feel like I really have to find a guy so that I’m not always the third wheel or either turn down my friend’s offer to go out somewhere.  I remember when one of my girlfriends started dating this guy seriously.  She told me, “Now we gotta get a man for you” and started giving out my “resume” and taking numbers from any random guy she ran across.  I’m single not unemployed and desperately looking for a job.  I can’t tell you how that made me feel.  I think the worst part was a majority of those guys were interested in her initially.  Why would I want to date someone who was interested in my friend first?  That is a recipe for disaster and next thing you know I’m blind-folded in a quiet room at the Maury Show waiting for my best friend to tell me she’s pregnant with my boyfriend’s triplets and she wants me to be in the delivery room.  Yea, I’ll pass.

It’s not like I haven’t dated anyone or I don’t want to date anyone.  I’ve dated several men over the past two years and it’s only caused me anxiety and created more doubt in myself.  Dating means I have to find the perfect outfit, start making frequent visits to the hair and nail salon, keep my home abnormally clean in case of  impromptu visits, spend more time on the phone than usual, and push aside important personal development time.  A few of my single girlfriends can agree that dating can be stressful and take a lot out of a woman.  For myself, I never get far with any of the men I dated and I believe its because of my stance on sex.

I’m not interested in having sex before I know your intentions.  Some men approach me for sex before they even know my last name.  It is disheartening when I can’t get past an initial exchange over text without talking about sex…and they love to use “we’re grown” as an excuse to disregard my feelings and make me question if I am being extra.  Which has led me to engage in things, I wasn’t ready for at all.  One of my male friends told me when I was pregnant with my daughter that the way you start of with a man is the way things will end with that man.  He was exactly right.

The problem is every man I’ve dated start off wanting sex WAY TO SOON from me.  I haven’t spoken to a man who looked past my exterior and really delved into my mind.  I immediately cut them off or limit our conversations.   I only met one man who was genuinely interested in me and I messed that up because I wasn’t over the situation with my daughter’s father.  The rest have only been genuinely interested in bending me over for a night of “7 minutes in Heaven.”  Just being real here.

Because I’ve only been approached by men who can’t seem to move past engaging in conversations about sex with me, I’ve decided to focus on me solely.  I think it’s best for women who have come to a crossroad in dating to choose the path that leads to enlightenment and self-improvement.  That doesn’t mean that I’ll refuse every date when it is offered, but I choose to exercise using the word “NO” a lot more than I have in the past.  I am choosing to preserve my peace.  I am choosing ME.  Now when people ask me why I am single, I can simply reply, “Because I choose to be single.”  I’m learning to be happy in my solitude and to achieve goals that I thought were never possible.  I’m working on the inside as much as I am working on the outside.  Eventually, I’ll stop attracting men who are interested in the beauty of the diamond and start attracting men who crave the energy of the Rose Quartz.  If you believe in the law of attraction, you’ll understand what I mean.

5 Comments

  1. I have been following you on Instagram for a while and I really appreciate your honesty. I feel the same way when it comes to dating and I’m 36 years old. Whenever I say I’m going back to school or I pick up a book to read, people assume it’s my way of getting over a man so instead I continue dating men who do nothing to stimulate my mind. They’re only interested in stimulating one thing. Instead of being ashamed, you’ve inspired me to really work on myself and be comfortable with that. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad I found your page. Your children are beautiful by the way.

    1. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy to hear that you feel comfortable working on yourself. We should never feel ashamed of self-improvements. Please DM me d you ever need any encouragement.

  2. Your story really brought it home for me. I have been divorced for almost three years and find dating to be hard, but I remain hopeful. While I believe in love and desire to be in a committed and loving relationship, self-love outweighs it all. Thanks for the inspiration; thanks for the motivation. Here’s to self-improvement!

    1. Yes, self-love outweighs all. It’s so easy to lose ourselves in the process of dating or in a relationship. Sometimes we have to step back and give ourselves some much needed attention. Thank you for reading!

  3. Beautifully written, life is not just about the Disney or idealized go 2 college, get married, have kids and b happy tradition that we have been brainwashed 2 aphold and if we don’t sumthings wrong w us. Yes, I do believe we have soulmates, but just like the universe presents us w gifts everyday, I feel like a relationship 4 u and any of us will b presented n the same way. I think people should think more when they feel they r “helping”, I luv that now ur not trying 2 cover being single or even letting that define u. Individually, we should define ourselves not just first but always. Xoxo

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