Enough

It was after the last argument between my daughter’s father and I on July 16 of last year when I finally told myself “ENOUGH!”  I freed him of all responsibility relating to his daughter including the daycare tuition he faithfully sent to me for over a year.  I refused to tolerate him all together  for the sake of keeping a father in my daughter’s life.  She deserved better and so did I.

All of my girlfriends were against my decision.  They wanted me to put him on child support, but I knew that meant seeing him in court and dealing with his manipulation of my psyche.  The man made me feel like shit to simply put it.  From the day I found out I was pregnant, we argued back and forth about everything.  In the beginning it was always about my refusal of his offer for an abortion and after her birth we argued because he wouldn’t introduce his mother to his daughter.   I would apologize when I clearly didn’t do anything wrong except get upset with how he neglected our daughter.  I contemplated suicide on several occasions and unsuccessfully attempted suicide while pregnant and after my pregnancy.  All for a man who is narcissistic, selfish, and  cold.

No, never will I ever again allow ANYONE to make me feel like I wasn’t enough.

If that meant struggling financially and raising my children as a single-mother, that was a risk I’d take to gain peace of mind.  How often do we limit ourselves to a situation because we feel as if we aren’t good enough?  We stay in a toxic relationship.  We keep working for a horrible employer.  We live in an unacceptable apartment or house.  We deal with our circumstances hoping that someone would come save us.  Well, guess what?  You are your savior.  You are your hero!

I had to ask myself the question, “who was I before him?” and I honestly didn’t like my answer. Even after eliminating his negativity from my life.  I continued to hear a little voice tell me that I wasn’t enough.  My insecurities were there before I met this man and if I wanted to move past this pain; I had to face my demons.

My demons hated me.  My demons wanted me dead.  It was scary.  I was afraid of what I would do to myself if I let them win.  I couldn’t fight this battle alone.  So for the first time, I became vulnerable and reached out to my friends and family for emotional support.  I needed them.  The people who actually loved me.  Who loved me before this man came into my life.  Who loved me and my insecurities.  I, inadvertently, overlooked this type of love for a very long time because it wasn’t the love I desired.  Somehow, I convinced myself that since I didn’t receive the love from whom I desired, NO ONE loved me.

That simply wasn’t true at all.  My mother loves me.  My father loves me.  My children love me.  My siblings love me.  My friends love me.  My coworkers love me.  The problem was didn’t love me.  I didn’t think I was beautiful enough.  I didn’t think I was smart enough.  I didn’t think it was acceptable to be a single mother.  I didn’t think I was worthy of happiness.  In my defense, I didn’t plant those ideas into my head; society did.  However, I watered them daily and allowed their branches to take over my consciousness.

At the age of 30, I finally recognized that I was responsible for most of my suffering.  Not only was I the victim, I was also my own tormentor.  That feeling is so liberating.  This acknowledgement changed the perspective on my life.  I felt like Leroy in The Last Dragon during the big fight scene with Sho’Nuff when he channeled his energy and his body had “the glow.”

Unfortunately, this “glow” didn’t automatically free me of my demons: my negative thoughts, my past experiences.  I realized the power that I had, but I continued to talk about how my daughter’s father hurt me.  I continued to lurk on his new fiance’s social media accounts comparing myself to her and wondering why her and not me?  Uncovering lies from our past conversations and discovering new events in their life.  I would continue to do a google search to see if his name popped up somewhere new (and it did…their wedding registry).  That “glow” means absolutely nothing to me until I say that I’ve finally had enough.  That power means absolutely nothing until I believe that I am truly enough.

The word enough is a very versatile word.  In one sentence it means a feeling of  inadequacy and in another sentence it means a degree of toleration.  I see it often used in the the former way and not the latter by other women on my social media’s news feed.  Women claiming that they aren’t good enough for a man.  Posting these deep, negative quotes to justify their feelings.

You didn’t love her.  You just didn’t want to be alone.  Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego.  Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her.  Because you don’t destroy the person that you love.

-Grey’s Anatomy

A year ago, that quote was floating around my page somewhere as well as many others just like it.  Allowing other women to relate to me and to look at my social media account and say “yes, I feel inadequate too” while simultaneously instilling a deep rooted idea in our heads that our feelings of inadequacy is normal.

Queens, my sisters…you beautiful souls…this is not normal.  This type of behavior is damaging and only attracts the same type of broken men into our lives.  Our wounds will never heal until we heal our consciousness.  Our past experiences will always be our reality. Our situation will never change until WE change.  We will continuously feel like we aren’t enough until we’ve had enough…until we can say we are enough.  That is why I started this blog.  That is why I’m being vulnerable and open with the world.  I want to inspire other women to heal as I work on healing myself.  I want women to know that their feelings are valid, they are not alone, and they are ENOUGH.

 

 

 

4 Comments

  1. I love how honest this was and I can see myself, the way I used to be and still struggle sometimes all the way through it. I thank you for posting this and being so open. This is the kind of healing our Queens need to see and hear. I’m so happy and proud of you for starting your own blog. I see such great things for your future and you’re going to inspire so many people along the way.

  2. Omg!!! It almost made me cry!!!! Its beautiful, honest, raw, and relatable!! Its a release and woman can relate to it having kids not having kids, this is very fluid and I’m so proud 2 say I can come bk and read this when I don’t feel like I’m enough! The about page touched me and shows a lighter side, it made me smile and I’m excited 4 the next blog, I feel like this will help us when our spirits r low, u r relatable, u r my sister, and this is freaking awesome!! Enough is or isn’t enough 🙄

  3. Man I’m so proud of you!Thank you for sharing your story. It just goes to show that you honestly don’t know what a person is going through behind that smile on their face. I’m glad you found that support and love to build you back up to the Queen you know you are! Congrats!! This blog will definitely teach and inspire!

  4. Blessing my Dear Sister. Though I have never met you in the flesh but only thru social media I must say by reading your blog I feel a connection. As a strong man being married twice thinking all was great and to see my marriages blow up in my face I felt so alone, I felt defeated, with 2 pre teen children that look up to me. My journey is a real one.

    I thank you for sharing your journey and pray you continue it. You are a inspiration

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